i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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