It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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