i just wanna soil my oats bro
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
