The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
