she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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