I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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