she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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