She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize