To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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