Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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