I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
