Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
