I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I cut my penus on the lid.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
