How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
His nipple licking is glorious
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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