are you still at the devil's house?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
