i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
