My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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