i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Randomize
