she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
