alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
