I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
