dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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