I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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