When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
