She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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