that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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