i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
