How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
