I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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