my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
