I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
