my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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