I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
