I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Come see our sink grown plant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
