I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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