The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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