Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize