break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
