so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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