did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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