we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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