I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
