I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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