God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
