And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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