I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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