i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize