4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
