You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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