WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
