I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
