why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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