you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
