I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
