Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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