Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
