I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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